WHY WE CARE SO MUCH ABOUT WHAT OTHER PEOPLE THINK
How Much Does Their Opinion Really Matter?
Most of us have said some version of "I don't care what people think."
But I think if we're completely honest, most of us do.
We think about how we look. Whether people approve of the decisions we make. What our family might say. What our friends think of the person we're dating. Whether people believe we're successful and how we'll be seen if something doesn't work out.
Even people who appear incredibly confident can still be affected by judgement.
I've seen this with high performers too. Someone can take huge risks in business, compete in front of thousands of people or lead a company and still find themselves questioning a personal decision because they're worried about how somebody else might see it.
Caring isn't the problem... The problem begins when somebody else's opinion starts making decisions about our life.
Wanting Approval Doesn't Make You Weak
I don't think telling people to "just stop caring what anyone thinks" is particularly useful.
Human beings are built for connection.
One of the most influential pieces of research into belonging, by psychologists Roy Baumeister and Mark Leary, reviewed a large body of evidence and argued that forming and maintaining meaningful relationships is a fundamental human motivation. Belonging affects the way we think, feel and behave.
So it makes sense that acceptance matters.
The interesting part is understanding how much power we've given it.
Through coaching and NLP, I've seen how beliefs around approval can build over time. Someone might have learned that being good, successful or agreeable received praise. Someone else might have experienced rejection and become extremely aware of anything that feels like it could happen again.
Another person might come from a family or culture where following a certain path carried a huge amount of expectation.
None of that means anything is wrong with them... It means their behaviour has a story.
The work is understanding whether that story still needs to decide what happens next.
"Other people's opinions become dangerous when they start making decisions about a life they don't have to live."
We Often Think People Are Watching More Than They Are
There's another part of this that I find interesting.
We can spend a huge amount of time worrying about what people are thinking about us while those people are probably thinking about their own lives.
Psychologists call this the spotlight effect. Research by Thomas Gilovich and colleagues found that people tend to overestimate how much other people notice their appearance and behaviour.
It makes sense when you think about it.
We're at the centre of our own experience so our mistakes, awkward moments and decisions can feel huge to us.
Someone else might notice them for a moment and then continue with their day.
Yet we can spend hours replaying them.
The same can happen with bigger life choices.
We stay in the job because leaving might look irresponsible. We stay in a relationship because people think we're good together. We don't start something because we're worried people will laugh if it fails.
Meanwhile, the people we're worried about aren't the ones who have to wake up and live with those decisions every day.
We are.
Success Doesn't Always Remove the Need for Approval
You might imagine that becoming more successful would make someone care less about what other people think.
Sometimes it does... Sometimes success creates a bigger audience.
The entrepreneur now has employees watching. The athlete has fans. The leader has a reputation. The person who has always been known as successful might suddenly feel that failure would change how everybody sees them.
You can end up protecting an image of yourself instead of asking what you actually want.
And this isn't only about careers... It happens in relationships, friendships and family life too.
Sometimes we become so focused on maintaining the version of ourselves that other people know that we stop asking whether it still feels like us.
That can become exhausting because you're no longer only living your life.
You're managing everybody else's perception of it too.
Who Are You When Nobody Is Watching?
For me, there is something spiritual in this question without needing to make it complicated.
Who are you when nobody is watching?
- What would you choose if there was nobody there to applaud it?
- What would you stop doing if you knew nobody would judge you?
- What would success look like if nobody else ever found out you'd achieved it?
Those questions can show us a lot, because sometimes what we call ambition is genuinely ours.
Sometimes it's connected to proving something.
Sometimes the life we're chasing looks impressive from the outside but doesn't actually feel right from the inside.
Awareness gives us the chance to tell the difference.
Two Lives Theory: You Are the One Who Has to Live It
This connects strongly with Two Lives Theory.
There can come a point where the life we've built around expectations no longer fits the person we're becoming.
That doesn't mean we stop listening to people.
There are people whose opinions matter deeply to me and I think that's healthy. Wisdom, feedback and support can all help us see things we can't always see ourselves.
But listening to somebody is different from handing them the final decision.
Your next chapter might disappoint somebody, they might not understand it, they might think you're making a mistake... and they might even be right sometimes.
But ultimately there is a difference between considering someone's opinion and needing their permission.
A Moment to Reflect
Think about a decision you're currently making or something you've been holding yourself back from.
- Whose opinion am I most worried about?
- What am I afraid their judgement would mean about me?
- If nobody else knew about this decision, what would I choose?
- Am I listening to people I respect or simply trying to avoid disapproval?
You don't need to stop caring.
Just notice whose voice has become louder than your own.
My Final Thoughts
I don't think freedom comes from reaching a point where we don't care what anybody thinks.
We're human. Connection matters and so do the people we love.
For me, freedom is being able to hear other people's opinions without automatically allowing those opinions to become our truth.
People will misunderstand us.
Some will judge us.
Others will have ideas about what they think we should do.
And that's okay.
They are allowed their opinion.
We are also allowed to live a life that isn't built around it.
One Last Thing...
How did this feel for you?
If you recognise that other people's expectations, judgement or approval have started influencing the way you're living, you can {Request Mentorship} and we can explore what's sitting underneath that.
Sometimes the next chapter doesn't require more confidence.
It starts with trusting yourself enough to make a decision that belongs to you.
I look forward to connecting.
Speak soon,
Basim
