WHY CHANGE FEELS HARD EVEN WHEN WE KNOW WE NEED IT
Knowing Isn't Always Enough
There are times when we already know something needs to change.
Maybe the job no longer feels right. A relationship has changed. A habit keeps taking us back to the same place or we've simply reached a point where the life we're living doesn't feel like the life we want anymore.
We can understand all of that and still struggle to move.
I think this is where people can become hard on themselves. We tell ourselves that if we know something isn't working, we should just change it. If the decision makes sense, why are we still hesitating?
But understanding something logically and being ready to let it go emotionally aren't always the same thing.
We don't only become attached to people or situations. We become attached to routines, identities, expectations and the version of the future we thought those things were leading us towards. Change can ask us to leave more behind than we first realise.
Familiar Doesn't Always Mean Right
Through coaching and NLP, I've seen how powerful familiarity can be.
The mind likes what it knows. That doesn't mean what it knows is always good for us. It means we've learned how to function inside it.
Someone can know a relationship isn't healthy but understand exactly how that relationship works. They know the arguments, the distance and how the other person usually responds. Leaving introduces something completely different: the unknown.
The same thing can happen with work. Someone might feel drained by their career but still know who they are inside that role. Changing direction doesn't only mean changing jobs. It might mean becoming a beginner again, earning less for a while or having to answer questions from people who don't understand the decision.
That's why change can feel uncomfortable even when we genuinely want it.
Sometimes we're not choosing between something bad and something good.
We're choosing between something familiar and something unknown.
“Familiar doesn't always mean right. Sometimes it just means we've learned how to live with it.”
The Part of Us That Wants Change and the Part That Doesn't
One thing I think is important is understanding that we can want two different things at the same time.
We can want freedom and still miss what we're leaving behind. We can know a relationship needs to end and still love the person. We can want a new career and still feel scared about losing the security of the old one.
Those feelings don't cancel each other out.
Sometimes people take doubt as evidence that they're making the wrong decision. But feeling nervous about change doesn't automatically mean the change is wrong. It might simply mean something matters.
For high performers this can be especially difficult because they're often used to making decisions, solving problems and moving forward. When change feels emotional or unclear, they can become frustrated that they can't think their way through it as quickly as they normally would.
But not every transition needs to be solved immediately.
Some need to be experienced.
Research Insight: Change Takes Longer Than We Think
There's a popular idea that it takes 21 days to form a new habit, but research suggests the reality is much more individual.
In a University College London study, 96 people were asked to repeat a new eating, drinking or activity behaviour over 12 weeks. Among participants whose habit development could be modelled, the time taken to reach near-automatic behaviour ranged from 18 to 254 days. The researchers also found that missing one opportunity didn't materially damage the habit-forming process.
I think there's something useful in that beyond habits.
We often expect change to feel natural far too quickly.
We make the decision and then assume our emotions, thoughts and behaviour should immediately catch up. When they don't, we think we're going backwards.
But change often involves repetition.
A new boundary can feel uncomfortable before it feels normal. A new routine can require effort before it becomes part of our life. A different way of responding in a relationship can feel unnatural simply because we've spent years responding another way.
Growth doesn't always feel like growth while we're inside it.
Three Things That Can Keep Us Stuck
When someone knows they want change but still feels unable to move, I often think there are three areas worth looking at:
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What am I afraid of losing? Sometimes we're focused so heavily on what we want to gain that we haven't acknowledged what we're grieving.
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What does staying give me? Even situations we want to leave can give us familiarity, security, belonging or certainty.
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Who will I become if this changes? Sometimes the hardest part isn't losing the situation. It's not knowing who we are without it.
These questions don't tell us whether we should stay or leave.
They help us understand why the decision carries so much weight.
Two Lives Theory: The Space Between Who You Were and Who You're Becoming
This sits at the centre of Two Lives Theory for me.
There can be a stage where the old version of life no longer fits but the new version hasn't fully formed yet.
That space can feel confusing.
We want clarity before we move, but sometimes clarity only comes because we moved.
This doesn't mean making reckless decisions or changing everything whenever life feels uncomfortable. It means recognising when we're holding onto something because it's right for us and when we're holding onto it because we know how to be that version of ourselves.
The next chapter can ask something different from us.
Not because the old one was wrong.
Because we've changed.
A Moment to Reflect
Think about an area of your life where you've been considering change.
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What do I already know but keep avoiding?
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What am I afraid I might lose if I make this change?
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What is staying where I am currently giving me?
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Am I scared of the decision itself or of not knowing what happens afterwards?
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If fear wasn't making the decision, what would I want to explore next?
You don't need to force yourself into an answer. Awareness can sometimes show us what pressure has been hiding.
My Final Thoughts
I don't think change becomes easy just because it's necessary.
Sometimes the hardest changes are the ones we know are right because they ask us to leave something we've known for a long time.
There can be sadness and excitement in the same decision. Fear and confidence can exist together too.
That doesn't make us confused.
It makes us human.
Maybe the goal isn't to wait until we feel completely ready because there are changes we'll never feel completely ready for.
Maybe it's learning that we can feel uncertain, uncomfortable and even scared while still trusting ourselves enough to take the next step.
You don't always need to feel ready for your life to be ready for something different.
One Last Thing...
How did this feel for you?
If you know something in your life needs to change but you're struggling to understand what's keeping you connected to the old version, you can {Request Mentorship} and we can explore what's underneath it.
You don't have to force the next chapter.
Sometimes you need to understand what makes the previous one so difficult to leave.
I look forward to connecting.
Speak soon,
Basim
